That whole “rebirth” thing.

It’s been two years since I started this site, let life get in the way and left it to hide in the cobwebs of the Internet. But the idea for “OutdoorsyGirl” is always nagging me, and I’ve been awaiting the burst of motivation to start it up again.

That burst of motivation happened today, in the midst of some necessary 2014 reflection. OutdoorsyGirl is returning, but in the form of a blog, to start with. We’ll see what else emerges.

I don’t much like New Year’s Eve. (I even wrote about this on the site in 2013– so much for lasting new year’s resolutions, eh?)

I don’t like it because regardless of my intent to banish all expectations for the upcoming year, sometime during the day I start brooding about the past. I have great gratitude for all that happened, and all the ways I’ve grown.

Once the nostalgic moment of appreciation has passed, my self-critical eye reflects on everything I did wrong. It then creates ridiculous expectations for everything I am going to change next year. These thoughts sabotage all those wonderful memories and triumphs. Facing these thoughts are challenging.

Truthfully, I hope 2015 is much like 2014. 2014 was a great year. I found triathlons, and found a way to challenge myself and triumph both mentally and physically. I am surrounded by wonderful, supportive and inspiring friends. I quit my job and changed career paths, and took on four different positions with four different companies. I’m learning something new everyday. I’m finally taking the GRE and applying to grad school. I cooked a turkey in a dutch oven over a campfire in Joshua Tree and it was incredible.

I also fell in love. Hard. Despite the cynic who was saying “this is too good to be true” and “step away from the boy who tells you he loves you after a month”, I let it happen. I met someone who made me laugh so hard it hurt. He made me believe I would “wont for nothing”. Yeah, he said that. I met someone with an honest, open heart who also liked bicycles. I didn’t know how long it would last, and for once, I felt like I didn’t need to know. I trusted him. He was good. His goodness permeated every part of me and made me strive to be my very best. I wanted to be around that goodness as much as possible. I was so happy.

And then he broke up with me.

So, in 2014, I also experienced heartbreak and rejection. Not my first rodeo. I’ve been there before. At least 3 times before. I’ve woken up in the morning and found myself in tears, just like I found myself this morning. Thanks to experience, I know that time will heal this and there will be another. I know that the last month of awkward dates and pretending to be okay were a necessary step in the right direction. It was for the best, it’s better it happened six months into it rather than two years, I deserve better. All these things are true. But it still hurts, and some mornings, it just won’t stop. Because I miss him. I miss his humor, his presence, and his goodness. I’m taking it one day at a time.

How does this at all relate to OutdoorsyGirl? Why am I not creating a tumblr instead to spew my self pity on a pretty blank page? I’m getting there.

Due to this heartbreak I’ve been on the prowl, largely to fill time and also because I strongly believe that finding love has become a bit of a numbers game. Last night, I broke my unofficial rule of not going to the climbing gym on a date, and I went climbing. With a “climber”. A guy who wanted to be a guide and then decided to work in marketing instead. It was, to put it lightly, a pretty bad second date. We were competing with each other, he blatantly hit on other girls at the gym while we were climbing, and at dinner I got to listen to all the routes he’d conquered or been shut down on in Spain and Patagonia blah blah blah, he talked about his ex and made it pretty darn clear he wasn’t interested in me save for a new belay partner. I think it was because when he mentioned he climbed 12’s or was a Wilderness First Responder, I wasn’t that impressed. He always gets girls with that, he said.

I went on this date with him mostly because I wanted to climb. My normal climbing partners are out of town and I wanted to get back on the wall. I will admit, I was equally using him, because I knew after the first date that we weren’t really going to get along.

However, it was such a great reminder that not only do I love climbing, but I love climbing with other women. I love outdoor sports, in general. I also enjoy men, in general. But sometimes, I want to enjoy the outdoors- talking about nature, commiserating about the lack of good female specific clothing, and experiencing some good ol’ fashioned spiritual earth-mama connectivity, with my girlfriends. I want to create the forum in which to do so.

I want to give a place for ordinary women to share their stories– whether they be about route-finding, PRing, dating or pee funnels, and I want other women to connect with them. I want to broaden the circle, and invite women of all shapes, sizes, sports and mindsets into the community. I was reminded last night, that I’m passionate about this blog, website, forum, whatever this may turn into. I want to create something powerful for women and their adventures.

I don’t really know what that means, specifically. I’m going to try to find out in 2015. Here goes.

Happy New Year,

Tracy

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